The Hamunaptra Chronicles: Ask an Adventurer

3/6/03: Session 1

Yay! Our first e-mail! This letter is for everyone's favorite corpse, Imhotep!

Okay, look at it this way. You're big and ugly and gross, but have all these nifty-doodle powers at your disposal. So, here's my question. Why in God's name does a little KITTY CAT scare the piss out of you? And, for that matter, why does the much better-looking and suave O'Connell still manage to kick your butt, with only a gun! I mean, you can make WHIRLWINDS, man! Sheesh! Answer me that, priest-guy.

Signed,

Kristy

First you must humor an ancient Egyptian high-priest and explain to me your some of your diction. What is this "nifty-doodle" adjective? I was unable to find it in the Ancient Egyptian/English dictionary.

Language barriers aside, I find your letter most offensive. First of all, it is not my fault if, at times, I appear somewhat gruesome. To paraphrase a good friend of mine, "When 3,000 years old you reach, look as good you will not!" I mean, you expect that after three millenia that the wear of years isn't going to show. I swear, you modern-day girls think that make-up can solve all of your problems. Well, take it from one who knows, sister: foundation is useless if you don't have any skin. Besides, it's much cheaper to simply curse an ancient artifact and get new organs from hapless treasure hunters.

This "KITTY CAT" sentence took me some time to decipher. Anck-su-namun tells me this is a phrase girls use when referring to species of feline descent. She says it is thought to be "cute". Well, the felines guarding the underworld are not cute. They are how you would say "BUTT-UGLY" (thanks, Anck). They are missing limbs and organs like nobody's business, and when you try to get past them they lick you with their oh-so-scratchy tongues. Now you tell me--wouldn't you be scared?

As for this O'Connell, I take it you mean the pale, disgusting American worm who is denser than a sarcophagus full of concrete. If he's good-looking, then I'm Shirly Temple (Anck loves her movies). He is not even wearing any eye makeup! His sword fighting is disgraceful, and he couldn't speak ancient Egyptian to save his worthless and pathetic life. If you want to know why he got the better of me, it is because I was in awe of his savage ways and unending stupidity.

Signed,

Imhotep

All right, you overgrown meat sack, one more crack about me and I'll blast you a new organ-removal hole.

On to question number two, directed at Evelyn O'Connell.

Do you find yourself slipping into your past life for no apparent reason? Like while you're cutting meat for dinner do you wind up trying to cut Anuk-su-namun?

Theresa

Dear Theresa,

What an interesting question! I have never had an experience quite like the one you describe, but I do have visions at most inopportune times. After all, it seems a bit strange to be sailing along in a dirigible and then suddenly to see oneself fighting with daggers as an ancient Egyptian. And it is even more inconvenient when the vision suddenly makes you plunge off of the dirigible shouting words in ancient Egyptian and making your family think you've finally lost it. (Yes, Rick, I know what you were thinking. And Jonathan, while I never really even want to know what you're thinking, my guess is it was something along those lines.)

But I think the most trying experience was the other day, when I opened the car door and suddenly had a vision of Anck-su-namun flying out at me with daggers pointed right at my face. I started screaming and rolled out of the way, and somersaulted right into the side of our mansion. When I came to, I of course explained the whole thing to my family. Alex believed me, of course, and I think Rick did, too. But Jonathan made some snide comment about my finding his liquor stash when they left, and I must say he hasn't been very understanding about my past-life experiences at all. Of course, I'm not very understanding about his past in general, if you take my meaning.

Thank you for your thoughtful letter!

Sincerely,

Evy

Uh, honey, I think they just sent for the men in white coats.

Yes, excellent plan, sharing your psychotic episodes with the entire world.

Say, Jonathan, what was that about a liquor stash?

Heh, heh. You know Evy and her exaggerations....um, I just remembered, I promised I'd play cricket with Alex.

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