The Hamunaptra Chronicles: Ask an Adventurer

3/8/03: Session 2

Welcome back to Ask an Adventurer. Here's a letter for Ardeth Bay.

Okay, question number one. Why in the BLOODY-HELL do you wear all the black, heavy clothing? I mean, you're in the middle of the @$%#!&*# DESERT! That doesn't bother you in any way, whatsoever? I'm all for the Gothic look, buddy, but.. sheesh, I've seen lighter-dressed guys at a Hot Topic store.

Secondly...uh, whats the big deal with Rick and Alex becoming Medjai? Sure, he's been the only one to take out Imhotep. But still, when you have a whole legion of those sword-swinging mo-fo', then why bother? All they ever seem to do is kill themselves or reopen something to seal the fate of the world. Unless you had something for Rick, but.. I didn't really think you...yeah.

Sure-he-will-be-begging-for-mercy-later,

Zack

Zack,

First I must ask that in the future you word your letter in such a way as can be comprehended. These terms you use are as unfamiliar to me as a day without hair-gel, but I shall try to answer as best I can.

I understand that you think my clothing out of place in the desert. I see what you mean, and I thank you for your avid concern for my health. However, I find that there is really no other color to suit me but black. It never clashes with anything, and the blood-and-bug-stains of many an adventure do not appear upon it. Picture for a moment, if you will, my existence: I wander the desert day and night waiting for hapless adventurers to bring ancient curses down upon them. I have no home that anyone knows of (and no, I am not telling you my address, I get enough fan mail as it is). There is not exactly a laundromat around every sand dune, if you follow. In fact, without my dark robes and maximum-hold styling gel, I would be lost without even a mirage of the fashion world.

On to your second, and equally confounding, question. You seem to think it is my decision that O’Connell and his son become Medjai. Perhaps you were using one of your indoor plumbing facilities during this part of the movie. He has the sacred mark. Did I put it there? No. Did some deranged orphanage overseer put it there? Maybe. But the point is, one does not mess with Destiny. We Medjai have a saying: “He who struggles against Fate might as well stick lit explosives coated with scarabs up his nose.” It is a very strange coincidence if the man responsible in part for the resurrection of an Unholy Flesh-eater also has the Medjai trademark branded onto him. And “kill themselves”? Rick and Alex have never displayed suicidal tendencies that I know of. As for sealing the fate of the world, I must sign you up for Medjai Predictions 101. Consider this your first lesson: the fate of the world is never sealed. “Only the journey is written, not the destination!” My only remaining advice: watch the movie once more. Turn on the closed captions. They are nearly as helpful as whitening toothpaste.

May Allah smile upon you always,

Ardeth

Ardeth, only you can hurl out a totally incomprehensible explanation and make it sound like you didn't just pull it out of your...never mind.

The next letter is another question for Evy.

Dear Evy,

Is there any chance you would leave Rick? I mean, y'know, he's old, honey. When you're 40, he'll be 40...something. Don't you want a guy who'll still be in his prime when you're just on the other side of the hilltop? Please say yes...please.

-Brian

Dear Brian,

I am so very flattered! But I feel I must tell you right away that I could never leave Rick. First, while I’m sure you are a very understanding person, one must be quite insane to marry someone who brings a mummy back to life. Going beyond the strangeness of the situation in general, it also put the entire world at risk of being destroyed in rather unpleasant ways. Then this creature proceeded to throw Rick around as though he were a large, low-priority package at the post office. I must say it was rather nice of him not to sacrifice me himself, let alone marry me.

You also mentioned age. Rick isn’t that much older than me for me to worry, but he also seems to age very slowly. You may have noticed that in the span of ten years, he hardly seems to have aged at all. It seems like it can’t have been more than…oh, I don’t know, two? And we all know that true love knows no age or time. Anck-su-namun didn’t even mind kissing a corpse! Isn’t that….romantic, in a disturbing and sickening way?

Finally, I don’t think Alex needs another male influence in his life. It’s quite enough for him learning violence from his father and drunkenness from his uncle, don’t you agree?

Thank you for your letter!

Sincerely,

Evy

Who is this guy? I want to try out my new dual pistols on him.

Muuuuum! Dad's teaching me violent tendencies!

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