The Hamunaptra Chronicles: Ask an Adventurer

7/3/03: Session 5

Welcome back (finally) to Ask an Adventurer, for a hard core letter addressed to several characters at once! Read on to experience the insanity! Mwahaha!

Hi Imotep, I just have a few questions for you. Why do you want to wipe out the world? Couldn't you just go and live in the Bahamas or something with Anuk-su-namun? Why did you want control over Anubis's army? What would it do for you? How could you wipe out the world, because America has the strongest army! So you think, one bald guy who opens his mouth really big and a lot of dogs will beat the whole world? Also, I really want to learn ancient Egyptian and live in Ancient times. Could you tell me what it would be like?

Also, this is a question for Anuk-su-namum. WHY THE HECK WOULD YOU WEAR FISH NET IN THE FIRST MOVIE!?!?!?! That wasn't too smart.

This question is for Alex. When the people took you to all those places, why didn't you just cooperate and be a good kid? Then that man wouldn't want to kill you. Also, you are really good at making sand castles. I saw the ones you made of places in Egypt you were going to and they were really good! You are a very smart little boy.

Back to Imhotep, I think you are kinda cute (don't kill me Anuk-su-Namun) but, could you at least try to grow a LITTLE hair??? And in the first movie, when you asked Evelyn to come with you so you could bring Anuk-su-namum back to life you called Evelyn Anuk-su-namun. But in the second movie, you called her Princess Nefertiri? That's all I can think of to ask you right now. BYE!!!

From,

Becky

Your letter is extremely lengthy, but I shall try my utmost to answer all of your queries. First, by “wipe out the world” do you mean decimate this pitiful planet and slaughter its inhabitants with my amazing powers? Because if you do, the answer is simple -- the Pharaoh was older, fatter and uglier than I was, and he got the most beautiful and scantily-clad woman in Egypt for his consort. We only were permitted to “make out” (as your wormlike race puts it) for a few short seconds before old Seti’s lapdogs burst in on us and we were, how you would say, “busted.” Then, of course, after having my tongue removed and being buried and eaten alive, I was feeling a bit peevish and thought I’d like to hurt everyone as much as possible. Next three questions -- see above. As for America’s army, realize the events with Anubis’ army took place several decades ago, before a great deal of this modern military technology existed. Besides, one cannot simply “nuke” the army of an ancient Egyptian god! Did you not even watch the movie? In order to slay an Anubis warrior you must decapitate it! But now that you have insulted me with your foolish questions, of course I shall teach you about my language and culture! That was, how you would say, sarcasm. Anck shall answer your next question.

Imhotep

You wish to insult my sense of fashion, little girl? I shall suck your soul out of your mouth and see what you say then! I do not wear this fish net you speak of, it is full-body makeup! Do not knock this until you have tried it.

Anck

Er, hello, Becky, this is Alex. Well, if everyone cooperated all of the time, how interesting would life be? Besides, I really liked making that Lock-Nah guy mad. Sometimes, when he was trying to keep himself from stabbing me incessantly, his eyes would get all buggy and this little vein would throb on his forehead. Ah, memories. About the sandcastles, thanks for the compliment, but it wasn’t that hard. All I needed were exact geometric proportions and my photographic memories of the images shown to me by the bracelet, which, I admit, are two traits which come rather easily to me. Also, the sand in Egypt is remarkably sturdy when a bit of water is applied.

Hope you're well,

Alex

Curses, foolish girl, you have further questions? Why couldn’t you ask them all at once? I was just on my way out the door to suck the skin off of a few underlings, as mine is beginning to sag a bit. ...You dare to call me CUTE?! I am not cute! I am an evil, undead Egyptian high priest! I strike terror into the hearts of all mortals! I assimilate organs and fluids! You shall not refer to me in such a way! And no, I refuse to grow hair! It is ugly, and difficult to grow when every part of your body is in reality lifeless! Furthermore, I do not recall ever referring to this Evelyn as Nefertiri, although I know she contains her soul, but I do not wish to talk about her! She is one of those meddling worms! I shall now rip a hole in the fabric of time and throw your letter into it so I do not have to look at it anymore!

Eternally,

Imhotep

*Tsk* Temper, temper!

Aw, I can tell he still likes you, Evy.

Is that what it means when his eyes get all buggy and that little vein in his forehead throbs? Hey, Alex was right, it is pretty funny!

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